IT might have seemed like a good idea at the time - but they obviously hadn't reckoned with those tight-fitting Latin American dance costumes!

Yes, the celebrity males on 'Strictly Come Dancing' (BBC1, Saturday) entered the fray in the new series with the fixed stare of terror that accompanies the realisation that you are about to make a spectacle of yourself on national television.

They are a mixed bunch, including Julian Clary (who was born for the world of sequins and exotic eye make-up), Roger Black (who has the comfort of knowing that if he decides to make a run for it, no-one will catch him), Diarmuid Gavin (who can dig himself a hole to hide in if it gets too embarrassing) and plucky Aled Jones (who could sing at his bossy Russian partner as a last resort to keep her quiet).

The female celebrities are all fluttering eyelashes and 'Oh, I can't believe I'm dancing like this'. Stop it now, Denise Lewis, Carol Vorderman and Esther Rantzen.

There wasn't much suspense about who would be the first pair to be voted off the show. As soon as motoring journalist Quentin Wilson loped on to the floor with an L-plate embroidered on the back of his shirt, it would have seemed churlish not to take the hint and put him out of his misery!

Over on ITV1, the judges on 'The X Factor' were busy inflicting misery all round. The real or stage-managed (I don't particularly care which) feud between Sharon Osbourne and Simon Cowell is already a bore - and it's also affecting the poor performers in the final batch.

The line-up is hardly packed with sparkling talent as it is. Now they have to put up with the infantile sniping between two so-called industry icons, in addition to trying to believe they deserve to be on stage.

On the evidence so far, I wouldn't go to the end of our street to watch any of them, especially the distinctly average Tabby, who might think he's the cat's whiskers but nine out of 10 viewers really should be saying they prefer someone else!

SOAP POSER:

IT has been stalkers in overdrive in the soaps over the past week. Mad Maya turned Dev and Sunita's wedding in Corrie into even more of a circus than the average soap nuptials. Meanwhile, in EastEnders, muppet Martin was stabbed by the smallest stalker in the world with the smallest knife in the world. How will the big gormless lump ever live it down? Even Ian Beale could have dealt with psycho Sarah by holding her at arm's length with a hand on her head!